Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize