I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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