Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
