It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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