Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
