Betty ford says i'm here all night
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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