I'm really into asian looking animals
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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