I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
