His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
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