You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I look better un-naked...
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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