I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
