and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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