someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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