Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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