dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
