She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Randomize
