Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
