I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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