so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
