the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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