SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
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