I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
