shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
