hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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