If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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