Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize