whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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