At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
it's like heaven, but drunker
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
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