when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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