Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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