im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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