Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
