I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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