well I can't set my house on fire every night
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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