I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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