my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
