After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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