never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
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