Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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