im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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