I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Randomize
