I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
