He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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