I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
