I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
