Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I think I won the penis lottery.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
