I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
