i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I think im going to throw up on grandma
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
