would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
