I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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