And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize