Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
