I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Send help, water and tortillas.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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