if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
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