I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
