i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
