allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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