when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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