I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
