listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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