Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
