and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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