Umm I'm too high to move.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
