My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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