Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
