i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Randomize
