yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
