So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
how does that bad decision feel?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
