did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
you didnt know i had herpes?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
