Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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